So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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