Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
