just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
