She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
