So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
