nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
