Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
