Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
