your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
