I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
