Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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