I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
