her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
