I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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