I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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