god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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