$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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