If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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