are you still at the devil's house?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
