and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
