someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
