I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
