Need sex. Gaining weight.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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