rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
