when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
