Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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