apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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