Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
