I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
