dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
