theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
