Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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