my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
