right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
