I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
