So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
