So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
