It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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