oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
