time to smoke my breakfast
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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