ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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