I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Still dying that you shit outside
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
