my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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