Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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