you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So much rum. So many feels.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
