i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
