I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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