Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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