One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
