Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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