Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
